By: Chris "Sledge" Douglas
Valentine's day is creeping ever closer, like Sadako from the well in Ring. It's probably already here by the time you read this. No doubt you've bought your significant other (or spouse/life partner) a card with a commercially acceptable, cliched phrase ("I Choo Choo Choose You") or a heartfelt box of factory-made, mass-produced chocolates that allow one to taste the love of a cold steel machine. The in-store POP (point of purchase) advertisements have been in place since Christmas. Your local convenience store carries gigantic pop-up cards featuring Garfield... right next to the bodiless, mucus-spewing plastic doll head and the Dancing Italian Stereotype Doll. And much like its vile cousin Christmas, if someone buys you something, you had better get him or her something in return or you are a "cheapskate." If you couldn't tell already, I'm not really a big fan of this holiday.
It's not because my birthday is in close proximity to it. It's not because I have anything against love (or lust for that matter) either. The plain and simple fact of the situation is that, like every damn holiday that has a national commercial frenzy attached to it, it is meaningless. At one time, however, it had quite the noble meaning. According to History Channel's website, the holiday is purportedly attributed to three possible saints, all named Valentine or Valentinus, and all have been martyred. Whoever the mystery saint is, the story goes that he was in jail performing marriages, which were outlawed at the time by Emperor Claudius II. The reason for the legal ban was to get more men into his army. Don't get it? Well, army enlistment was pretty low, and he figured that if men couldn't marry, then they'd have nothing better to do with their lives than sacrifice them to their glorious leader.
But I digress.
So, Valentine is arrested for the nefarious sin of marrying people in a time when being Christian was an arrestable offense. He eventually falls in love with the daughter of one of the prison guards, and on the day of his execution, he writes her a letter, which he signed, "From your Valentine." On February 14th, 469 A.D., he was canonized. So there you go. That:s one version. The other says that he was beaten to death on that day in 269 A.D. for helping Christians escape from tortuous Roman prisons. Of course, now it's just another excuse to sell cheap cards and bad candy.
So, before you go out and buy your lover one of those roses that unfold into panties from your local "Gas'n Go," just remember that you can do just fine, if not better, with a simple, heartfelt, meaningful I love you. And the best part is, it won't cost you a thing, and you just might get something quite nice in return.
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